Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Blog back :)

Well its been a while since I last blogged so of course so much has happened!

I've moved house and started all over again! The love life has completely died down after I realised that I was not going to find a lasting relationship in Camel! In fact so much has changed, not just in my friends, and living and happiness but also in me personally. I feel like I am driven by a different focre... how can I explain it?

Well...
Firstly: I have stopped looking back, enough time has passed that all the hurt seems to have washed away and my heart seems to have healed itself. The heart is such a funny thing, I will always believe that time heals everything. I think eventually everyone forgets being hurt by someone beause they don't have time to sit and hold onto something forever. In this modern world theres simply to many distractions and maybe this is a good thing.

Secondly: Eventhough I have still not spoken to my brother I have heard he has lost a lot of weight and passed his driving theory test! So good for him! I am so very proud of him! Although I think time and distance has made me idolise him a little (but I guess thats what happens when a relationship with someone you love is destroyed.) You can't help but think about everything it could have been, what it could be like if we were still as close as you were and its like this massive hole your trying to fill. You keep jamming it with rubbish or you hope if you talk and think about it enough it may one day go away and perhaps not be real. It was almost like the more I spoke about what happened and the more I held onto it and the less real and more story like it seemed. The more fresh and breif it could appear made it less painful than the fact that the more time was passing it was becoming apparent there was no going back. However I guess sometimes you just have to accept the reality of certain situation and look forward with hope of a new relationship eventually being formed.

Thirdly: I have not had a panic attack in a year! Also I have put on all the weight I lost from all last years upset.. not a plus thouhg! Because now my clothes don't fit me... But its shocking to see how all the upset and changes had effected my body! I dont eat anymore than I did them but I am just not as worried all the time.

Forthly: I am looking into going abroad for 4 months next term with Uni. This is my new focus... Its something for me, just me. Its not about escaping or running away this time, its not something I always thought I wouldn't be able do. Personal growth and all that!

So now I can promise you more funnier blogs to come!

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Hit a brick wall.. someone find me a ladder?

What do you do when your sailing though life having the time of it and then you hit a brick wall that's appeared in front of you?
You run back and try again, but the brick wall is still there, and you still can't get though it?!

So you keep trying until your just fed up. Those that were walking with you have walked away or are just watching from the side. Still kind of waiting for you to get past it but rolling there eyes every time you fail to get over it again. In the end your just tired, bruised and red faced from all the times you have tried and failed to get over this wall. You can't see straight any more and this repetitive failing has made me you lose faith in yourself.

I think what you really need to do is walk away, and stop, and breath. Let the red face disappear, and the pain subside, and then go out and buy a ladder.

But this isnt the easiest task for someone who has ran at a wall for months in the hope it might move one day, it hard to break the repetative rut!

When you feel totally lost with yourself and alone and like everyone is watching from the sidelines, but no one is helping you and your too scared to leave and buy a ladder just incase it will change things then you have to stop, and find yourself again and think it all though before you can keep going again.

Saturday, 16 October 2010

Lemon Muffin!

I thought I would Blog quickly about some of the funny things that have happened since i moved into my new house (as ordered by my best friend Jenny!)
So far there have been a few amusing incidents, one where in a bout of paranoia when I thought my house mate was trying to make me jump. I heard her in the kitchen and left my room to say hi (my room is next to the kitchen) but she was not there, and it was all quiet...Wondering if she was hiding in an attempt to make me jump (as usual) I crept around my kitchen peeping around the corners to make sure she was not there... then a thought crossed my mind ‘what if she is in the cupboard?’, just as I thought this something in the cupboard fell, and I screamed and jumped... then I heard a faint shout from upstairs ‘Mary are you ok’... it was Jenny... she wasn’t in the kitchen after all, she had gone upstairs!

I have been left in the house on my own only a few times since we have moved in, the second time I had what I thought was an awesome idea, after learning how to use the burglar alarm I decided to set it before I went to bed in case anyone came in.... So I set it and waited a minute for the bleeps to stop, then started walking into my room when the alarm started going off... I ran to switch it off, and froze on the spot, thinking someone had in the 30 seconds from setting the alarm entered my house, i saw zone 5 was flashing but couldn’t work out where zone 5 was, so I crept upstairs and got the cricket bat from Jenny’s room and managed to sleep eventually... it was only when all my house mates got back that Ella pointed out I had a sensor in my room, and in every room of the house... and that it was in fact me setting it off and not someone breaking into our house in the 30 seconds!


This reminds me of a time when I was getting ready to go to town and I couldnt decided which shoe to wear.
So i put on one shoe and looked in the mirror, however I could only see half of myself because half the mirror was blocked by clothes.I tried on the other shoe and thought ahh that looks better, then I looked at the time and had to run for the bus. We
walked around town to the cash machine, it was a mirrored cash machine, and as Jenny was getting money out i looked at my feet... to my surprise and embarrassment I noticed had odd shoes on! and not only that... but one was the different height to the other! :) I dont know who found it more funny me, or the women behind us in the que!

Friday, 6 August 2010

Matters of the Heart

Tonight the blog I am posting is a rather personal one. I always believe in love, but never understood it. As a young teenager the only thing I cared about was just having someone like me, let alone how long it would last, how it ended, what happened after.

Innocence was a thing once lost, lost forever

A geeky, shy, brace face girl hiding behind a gigantic pair of glasses, didn't really inspire confidence to looking in a mirror. Spending my evenings at brownies, my favorite hobbies included knitting and handing out poppies with my grandad. Watching all my friends find boyfriends, just made it all the worse. At 13 years old, it's the worst thing in the world, when all your friends are holding hands with some spotty faced, not quite yet reached puberty boy from the same class, is like the world is going to end. Knitting and brownies just wasn't the same. I mean who would want someone that just felt silly most of the time and tended to walk into walls, trip over their own feet and cry when they laughed to much. The stereotype geeky girls in Hollywood movies couldn't have depicted me more. Although it seemed a slim chance that my grandma would tell me I was the air to the throne of some made up land, and an army of men with brushes and glue would come and wipe away all my insecurities.

However, in a very simple way, one day, without looking, I got my first date then my first boyfriend, my prince charming. All be him an inch smaller than me, a little bit fat and extremely ginger. To me, he was the best thing since a new pair of knitting needles! Before I knew it, like every girl experiencing love for the first time, I got caught in the trap. deciding this was going to last forever. Yet, like so many before me, naturally sometimes first boyfriends must end. What was supposed to be first and forever love fades out and leaving dramatic arguments, nasty thoughts and suddenly, you wish you had just gone out and bought that pair of knitting needles, instead of getting a boyfriend. In one decision, the wedding, three kids, big car, and apartment disappeared from my mind. I wanted something different.

Now this kind of decision can be quite painful and lead to hurting. Its easier for the one who breaks it because it means there's more of a chance they will move on, pride isn't hurt, you don't feel embarrassed and you don't wonder what's wrong with you. I guess I have always been lucky (except a date when I stood in dog poo, twice!) Although sadly my, 'best thing since sliced bread' boyfriend, wasn't so lucky. He hadn't accepted this was the end of our relationship. Punished every day for months on end for my decision, I will never forget what was said.

My insecurities have long faded but the scars still remain. Before I knew it I was hit by the student bug. Having a year of on and off things, my knitting needle days were long gone. I took my mums advice, all be it miss placed, and not tried to tie myself down or look to far ahead. Yet I rebounded, I was not used to being single. My innocence had gone, but my naivety was still going strong. The words 'slag' and 'slut' rang clear in my ears at every turn, thank to the words of my ex prince charming. Sadly my confusion led to a lot of kicking in the teeth from those that don't understand why I didn't want to take things further, and hurtful comments from those that do but pretend not to care have cared about you at all. I was afraid. Deep down the image of myself has never stopped being that geeky girl, looking in the mirror, always imperfect but proud of the smile on her face, that makes everything look OK. Yet somehow, this had been taken away from me. I could no longer could view myself in such an innocent way. I felt lost, how could the words and actions of one boy make me feel so lost. Dates, and free meals, and meeting new people, along with new experiences are all well and good, but sometimes I just felt like a fool. I missed my innocence, my glasses and knitting!

You have to remember behind every fallen relationship is a women that was just well; Standing bare in front of a man and asking him to accept everything she was and for a short period of time, appreciate her. Every girl you see in the street has a romantic image of a man to come and look after her. But at the same time is aware that she doesn't need a man to be happy, even if sometimes one would be nice. I don't think at 19 your always supposed to find true love, sometimes just first love. Love is a construct of time, of work, of getting to know the other person, of acceptance. Sadly sometimes situations don't work out and things aren't meant to be or your too young. Sometimes love doesn't rule all.

When you break up with someone, it takes a while to get over them, there's always a pain and a sense off loss; I believe it's called grieving. The end of the relationship, brings the end of that part of your life with that person, and tbh I don't think the pain ever goes away. It fades, it is replaced by new memories, new feelings, new hopes, new dreams and a new person. Hope is the greatest faith I believe. Hope is never lost, its something that comes from within, but that person is never forgotten, and I don't think you should ever feel less about yourself because you can't for get them, or think that person never cared about you. After a relationship so many things are left unsaid.

As a women that feels hurt and watched others hurt, I' m an expert at picking myself up, dusting myself off in less than 24 hours, after a good cry or so I say. But, each person means something special to you and always will. I guess i'm writing this, because in a never ending search to question the What is Love? After 10 months of dating over 15 men and being in three relationships, two of which were special to me. I've discovered that sometimes after pleasure and togetherness, comes a lot of pain and a lot of overcoming. And yes maybe behind every successful women is a man that hurt her, and made her realize what she could be. But that's not always because the man was bad, or nasty, not necessarily. It's that the women found confidence in being on her own. She reached her peak of internal happiness that no one can take away, and although that makes it difficult to let her guard down it doesn't make her any less hurt every time her heart I damaged or knocked. Its these women that are worth the most.

Although far moved on from my experience of my first love, the lessons I learned are never forgotten. It is so very difficult to avoid pain in love, I think they come as a pair. It is something I will try to spend most of my life avoiding. In every new relationship I ask myself is it going to be worth it? Can i take this abuse again? But eventually you have to take that risk, I think. Just trust, that each time, you will get wiser, and each time you are closer to really finding that Prince Charming, who also enjoys knitting.

xx

Tuesday, 29 June 2010

Friday to Monday - Last Storthes Weekend !

Well, its the end of the beginning this week, and this blog comes with a hint of sadness,as it comes time to leave my 1st year student accomodation, i will be very sad to go and have possible experienced every single emotion here, made millions of friends but the overall outcome is happy, and it has been the best year of my life.


To start of the last weekend here, i managed to get my purse stolen... a fault of my own, for being distracted by my phone and as from previous blogs and me leaving my door unlocked, the same applies for my bag! but still it was a inconvenience, however i must give credit to the system, 2 working days after it was stolen i had all my replacement cards back!! :)


On Friday i went to see my best friend in Manchester, we greated each other in the station with the usual massive hug and outcry of i have not seem you in agesssss..... Only to realise it hadnt even been a week since we last saw each other :P

We spent the afternoon with a mixture of window shopping and drinking lots of tea. The thing about drinking tea with my friend Laura however is that she is an obsessive tea drinker, and for some reason when i am around her my tea drinking habits increase to something like 9 cups in the space of an hour! and then i will never touch tea again till i see her again! After visiting her house on evenings i would wake up the next morning with a serious tea hangover!! And its not pretty, i tell you i would rather have 9 shots of Vodka! :)

However, on Friday, after a long costa coffee session, where we decided we could not pretend to drink empty cups of tea anymore to fool the staff into thinking we were still drinking so as to stay there longer, we took a little trip to Debenhams! :) After wandering around Debenhams and getting distracted by many many Bags, we, in a handbag and shiney necklace trance walk out what we perceived to be the exit... Only to discover the 'exit' was actually a large glass window.... ooops!!


It was a lovely day non the less :P


On Saturday evening Me, Philip, Rachel and Amish, the 4 remaining flat mates decided on a ghost walk! Armed with the worlds smallest torch, and more importantly 2 bottle of Vodka and Coke we set off around the woods in storthes! Only yo discover that Vodka adds to an over active imagination... ON walking though a field i was eriously convinced that a rock was a shirt, the there was a black cat (actually a tree) and on walking down a lane we discovered it was a dead end, so we truned around and started walking back up it... i heard a noise of what was a tractor and started scremaing there a tractor coming and ran to the side of the road, Phil and Rachel follwed and we all stood waiting for the 'tractor' to drive past... Only for Amish to spot it drive past us on the road parrellel to the one we were on... and Amish reminded us how would a tractor or any vehical drive up the road from a blocked off entrance...


We ended up bumping into second years having bonfire and joined them before wandering back, via Dbar before crashing out on the bed to Lion King.. where after the first one Amish offered us to watch a second and i exclaimed 'yes i will watch it lets watch it please'.. to then the second it was put on , stood up leaving the room wiht my 2 boots and one sock.. saying i am off to bed night :)


On Monday evening the internet at Storthes went down after a power cut and we decided it would be a good idea to bake at 1 30 in the morning...... The result was Oaties!! :) Now to make Oaties you need porriage oats... and it happened Phil had 2 massive bags of these... However by the end of the baking there were no Oats left... most were down my top, in Amish and Phil hair and all over the floor surfaces, across the hall and in our flat!! :)

Its safe to say we made the most out of the last few nights there :) and what a lovely tie its was tooo :)

Storthes is certainly a one year thing! It will always be missed ! :) But looked back on fondly, with the friends i made for life! :)


xxx


Saturday, 19 June 2010

Well its been a while :)

Hey guy's,
I am so sorry for lack of blogging :) I have been rather busy travelling around the country lol (by this i mean to Manchester, Leeds, Wakefield, Castleford, Sheffield, Blackpool etc.) Last weekend i racked up 7 train journeys, 2 taxi rides, 7 bus journeys, 2 trips to subway, a trip to the cinema, a night out, sleeping in a tent and 2 lots of cheesy chips all in the space of 2 days :) ...So as you can see i dont like to stay in one place for two long!! :)

Anyway its about time i wrote a blog for you , as Ian and Sam have complained and we cant have that :) I am considering becoming girl with a Suitcase! :) And if u ever spot me on a random train journey please be kind and offer me a drink? :)

There is a song i really want to share with you guys... its by Robyn.. its called Dancing on my Own, but its the acoustic version. I have totally gotten into listerning to radio one... :) I did buy myself an alarm clock radio, as i thought i could use it to get me up in the morning.. however when i went to set it up i looked at the back and realised it needed large batteries.
I ran upstairs to Robbies flat to ask him and an hour later, thats how long it took me to remeber what i went up there for i came back down to fetch the radio. Firstly i walked into the kitchen, and stood there near on 5 minutes wondering why i had come downstairs, then i remembered and ran to my room where the radio was,. I tried to open my door and was shocked to find it was locked.... (says something about my security doesnt it! ) Then panicked and turned around to leave the flat thinking 'No i have locked the keys inside'.. then realised that was impossible, the door locks from the outside! and found them in my pocket. Picked up the radio, dropped it and finally made it to robbies room. It turned out after all that, the batteries he had werent the right ones... and as my heart sank a little, as i have been waiting 2 weeks to find batteries... then Robbie said 'but its okay u can plug it in' and on looking down i realised there was a long plug leading out of the back of the radio......

anyway this is the song.... take a moment, sit and enjoy...its beautful :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iT6UUb828Bc

Monday, 31 May 2010

Our trip to Manchester Foam party!

Hello Bloggers!! :)

Well... what an awesome night last night was!
Me and three of my friends from Huddersfield ventured to Manchester to a Foam Party at 5th Avenue, and then decided to get the train bk to Huddersfield at 4:30 in the morning and then a taxi bk to Halls....! :) However we all became worried of the plan when we discovered that 5th Avenue closed at 2.... and the train was a 4: 30! What where we going to do???!

Well, with tickets bought and hearts set on it, there was no backing out!
Dressed in sensible clothes (a MUST! for a foam party! You get socked, slippery and don't even bother doing your hair!) we headed onto the bus.

Before we left one of our friends from upstairs invited us for tea to fed us up before we left. Spag Bol, very yummy guinese cake and a glass or two of wine :) We started washing up when Wham came on and took a short break to dance around the kitchen in full you-tube video style doing a whole improvised routine.... one we later re-tried whilst stood on the platform at 4 :15 in the morning waiting to come home to warm us up....

As we left there was the sunset, and we realised next time we would be in huddersfield it would be rising!!
We made it okay to the club all in jolly spirits!And what an mazing pary it was :)Dripping wet, our clothes filled with foam (Note to FOAM PARTY PEOPLES DONT WEAR PRIMARK TIGHTS ! They rip! lucky i bought a spare pair!)

Then 2 oclock hit... and the club was closing, this is where it could have gone all wrong or right....

It was our luck night, the cloakroom que was long enough to pass a about 20 minutes and then we walked to the Gay Village and got some food, escorted by friends cute friend(hehe!) who showed us where to get food!

Then heading bk to the station me and my friend suddenly desperatly needed the loo, and the others needed more sugar to them going. The mixture of Vodka and red bull provided odd highs (involving an incodent where a biscuit was pushed down my top!, and a few strange looks from passers by!). We sepearted and met in the station, and they had clevely bought biscuits (which is how one came to getting down my top!) and magazines that kept us entertained all the way home. We finally arrived bk at 6 in the morning, dived on a vending machines and got in bed.

Such a sucsessful night :)

So here are some Foam party travelling tips:
1. always take spare huddies because you get cold on the way home
2.DONT get drunk because you will be on your back by 2 and never make it home
3. Dont do hair and make up... just run into the Foam! Its awesome
4. Prepared o get it in your eyes , ears, mouth etc! Every where!
5. You get very slippery, try not to dance to hard and avoid slippery handed men on the dancefloor if you get my drift!
6. Get sugar and things to read to help you on the train home to stay awake
7. Make it in your head an amazing time and it is sure to be one!