Matters of the Heart

Tonight the blog I am posting is a rather personal one. I always believe in love, but never understood it. As a young teenager the only thing I cared about was just having someone like me, let alone how long it would last, how it ended, what happened after.

Innocence was a thing once lost, lost forever

A geeky, shy, brace face girl hiding behind a gigantic pair of glasses, didn't really inspire confidence to looking in a mirror. Spending my evenings at brownies, my favorite hobbies included knitting and handing out poppies with my grandad. Watching all my friends find boyfriends, just made it all the worse. At 13 years old, it's the worst thing in the world, when all your friends are holding hands with some spotty faced, not quite yet reached puberty boy from the same class, is like the world is going to end. Knitting and brownies just wasn't the same. I mean who would want someone that just felt silly most of the time and tended to walk into walls, trip over their own feet and cry when they laughed to much. The stereotype geeky girls in Hollywood movies couldn't have depicted me more. Although it seemed a slim chance that my grandma would tell me I was the air to the throne of some made up land, and an army of men with brushes and glue would come and wipe away all my insecurities.

However, in a very simple way, one day, without looking, I got my first date then my first boyfriend, my prince charming. All be him an inch smaller than me, a little bit fat and extremely ginger. To me, he was the best thing since a new pair of knitting needles! Before I knew it, like every girl experiencing love for the first time, I got caught in the trap. deciding this was going to last forever. Yet, like so many before me, naturally sometimes first boyfriends must end. What was supposed to be first and forever love fades out and leaving dramatic arguments, nasty thoughts and suddenly, you wish you had just gone out and bought that pair of knitting needles, instead of getting a boyfriend. In one decision, the wedding, three kids, big car, and apartment disappeared from my mind. I wanted something different.

Now this kind of decision can be quite painful and lead to hurting. Its easier for the one who breaks it because it means there's more of a chance they will move on, pride isn't hurt, you don't feel embarrassed and you don't wonder what's wrong with you. I guess I have always been lucky (except a date when I stood in dog poo, twice!) Although sadly my, 'best thing since sliced bread' boyfriend, wasn't so lucky. He hadn't accepted this was the end of our relationship. Punished every day for months on end for my decision, I will never forget what was said.

My insecurities have long faded but the scars still remain. Before I knew it I was hit by the student bug. Having a year of on and off things, my knitting needle days were long gone. I took my mums advice, all be it miss placed, and not tried to tie myself down or look to far ahead. Yet I rebounded, I was not used to being single. My innocence had gone, but my naivety was still going strong. The words 'slag' and 'slut' rang clear in my ears at every turn, thank to the words of my ex prince charming. Sadly my confusion led to a lot of kicking in the teeth from those that don't understand why I didn't want to take things further, and hurtful comments from those that do but pretend not to care have cared about you at all. I was afraid. Deep down the image of myself has never stopped being that geeky girl, looking in the mirror, always imperfect but proud of the smile on her face, that makes everything look OK. Yet somehow, this had been taken away from me. I could no longer could view myself in such an innocent way. I felt lost, how could the words and actions of one boy make me feel so lost. Dates, and free meals, and meeting new people, along with new experiences are all well and good, but sometimes I just felt like a fool. I missed my innocence, my glasses and knitting!

You have to remember behind every fallen relationship is a women that was just well; Standing bare in front of a man and asking him to accept everything she was and for a short period of time, appreciate her. Every girl you see in the street has a romantic image of a man to come and look after her. But at the same time is aware that she doesn't need a man to be happy, even if sometimes one would be nice. I don't think at 19 your always supposed to find true love, sometimes just first love. Love is a construct of time, of work, of getting to know the other person, of acceptance. Sadly sometimes situations don't work out and things aren't meant to be or your too young. Sometimes love doesn't rule all.

When you break up with someone, it takes a while to get over them, there's always a pain and a sense off loss; I believe it's called grieving. The end of the relationship, brings the end of that part of your life with that person, and tbh I don't think the pain ever goes away. It fades, it is replaced by new memories, new feelings, new hopes, new dreams and a new person. Hope is the greatest faith I believe. Hope is never lost, its something that comes from within, but that person is never forgotten, and I don't think you should ever feel less about yourself because you can't for get them, or think that person never cared about you. After a relationship so many things are left unsaid.

As a women that feels hurt and watched others hurt, I' m an expert at picking myself up, dusting myself off in less than 24 hours, after a good cry or so I say. But, each person means something special to you and always will. I guess i'm writing this, because in a never ending search to question the What is Love? After 10 months of dating over 15 men and being in three relationships, two of which were special to me. I've discovered that sometimes after pleasure and togetherness, comes a lot of pain and a lot of overcoming. And yes maybe behind every successful women is a man that hurt her, and made her realize what she could be. But that's not always because the man was bad, or nasty, not necessarily. It's that the women found confidence in being on her own. She reached her peak of internal happiness that no one can take away, and although that makes it difficult to let her guard down it doesn't make her any less hurt every time her heart I damaged or knocked. Its these women that are worth the most.

Although far moved on from my experience of my first love, the lessons I learned are never forgotten. It is so very difficult to avoid pain in love, I think they come as a pair. It is something I will try to spend most of my life avoiding. In every new relationship I ask myself is it going to be worth it? Can i take this abuse again? But eventually you have to take that risk, I think. Just trust, that each time, you will get wiser, and each time you are closer to really finding that Prince Charming, who also enjoys knitting.

xx